Feb. 12th, 2011

azurai11: (Default)
Hello. some thoughts:

I kind of want to leave everything behind, like in one of those teen novels. but I feel like that only happens and turns out well in fiction. I feel like if I do that, then I'll end up getting raped.

I feel almost like transferring would be the best option because I don't really know what I want to do, and this is kind of an expensive place to figure that out. I should probably clarify that I'm talking about college

I won't be admitting this to my parents anytime soon, because I don't think they'd particularly appreciate it, but I kind of just want to work some regular job. I don't really want to sit behind a desk... except maybe as a secretary, but what I mean is that all I really want is to have a job that pays money and leaves me enough time to do the projects that I want to do and keeps me busy. I've heard that retail is hell, but... Part of me thinks it wouldn't be so bad. this is probably in part because I've never worked retail.

At the heart of the issue, I kind of don't want to do the straight path, go-to-college-to-get-a-degree-to-get-a-job thing. I guess it's also that I don't want my life to change, but really, I feel like... Like I'm on the verge of a huge change. I don't know what's changing, which is why I haven't really talked about it with anyone, I've only written it, but... I feel like there's something growing inside of me that's going to explode into bloom, soon.... I feel like I'm on the verge of finding my key, but then again, yesterday I felt like I would never find my key.

I really just don't know what's going on, and that's okay for now, but how much longer?

I don't know. I keep living.
azurai11: (Default)
I could have edited my previous post since this in the same vein, but... I didn't feel like it. so. more thoughts:

I kind of want to be in a band. I don't know if this is very... rational. or probable.

It feels like my other self is trying to get out, trying come out from underneath my skin, where she's been hiding out like liquid lightning and sparks of magic in my aura... She's been pointing out to me lately that maybe I could do the things that I keep telling myself will never happen, that I can't do because it's not safe or I wouldn't be good at it or it costs too much money. ...she's very spontaneous, full of desires and willingness to try, and I suppose that's very attractive. .....I kind of want to be her...

I think that would be very, very dangerous, but... maybe it would be for the best. I wonder if she's really ready to come out now, though... I don't know. I think I'm going to try listening to her.

Maybe I'll try joining a band.
azurai11: (Default)
aaand again. I think this song does something to me....

I think this is kind of like the part of me that wants to cut my hair, and wants to dye it rainbow. ... I've always been the safe one, I always do what I know is safe, I stick to what I've got, never straying outside the lines... I've convinced myself that I am who I am and that yes, the dreamselfs, they're lovely, but they're not me, not really who I am. This person who goes through every moment of my life, that's me, that's my true self... but isn't there some of me in the dream, too? I know that some of the dreamselfs are things that I would like to try on for a little while, maybe a month at the most, but wouldn't want to do long-term, but aren't there a few of them, aren't there just a few of them that hold some true desire in them? I know this moment, this moment of apricot orange electricity in my mind won't last forever, and tomorrow there will be the mundane, waiting at my door because I have to inhabit the real world just like everyone else, but isn't there truth in this moment too?

...I know that I genuinely love my hair the way that it is, that I love the way it looks, the way it feels, love brushing it, but... I wonder sometimes. there are some things that grate at me a bit, because they started out as genuinely me, but they're beginning to feel like things I do only because I've been doing them so long, like I only do them because that's what everyone expects of me. It's like I'm in this me-shaped space that's been created by their expectations, and... It is me, I know that to be true, but I feel like there are bits of me that I shed a while ago which have been tacked on so that I don't let go of them fully....

This goes back to me being the one who takes the safe option every time. I want to risk, I want to take some risks.... I want to adventure.... I know that there are benefits to the way I live my life, but the other side looks quite beautiful right now....


azurai11: (Default)

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