Feb. 23rd, 2011

azurai11: (Default)
really, I don't. I just feel like posting, so that's what I'm doing.

I kind of hate having to use the computers in the library sometimes, because there are so many people all around me, and as stupid as it is, I feel like they're all judging me for what I'm doing on the internet, even though it's much more likely that they could care less what I'm doing. they probably care more about whatever assignment they're working on finishing, because that's what most people in the ATC are doing, unlike me. Even so, I'd rather be on my laptop.

Alas, this cannot be, for my laptop is virus-y, and actually it has been for... about a month at this point, and I just never got around to taking it in to be looked at by tech-people. but as of tonight it particularly hates life, the universe, and everything. so I'm wondering if I should take it in or just not turn it on again until spring break, because that's only like, a week or two away, and my brother is a genius with computers or something IDK and and and. it's all ridiculous, isn't it.

um, what else. I'm doing altered books now, and I'm also writing fiction virtually everyday, so that's kind of fucking awesome. because I have been wasting my life for a good many years, and finally being creative like this is wonderful, because I don't understand why I ever let it slow down like I did.

And yet depression insists on making me feel shitty. not really, because... I don't know. Everything is going so well that there's nothing for it to latch onto, but it hovers at the back of my mind almost constantly, because... It's habit, I guess. I know that some part of it is real, but a lot of the thought patterns that go along with it are just sort of compulsively, sluggishly, half-heartedly acting themselves out. bleh, whatever. I don't feel like talking about it because it's not even all that serious. it's just shades of gray.

Um, also I'm doing a summer program in Germany this summer shh that wasn't redundant at all, which is exciting but also a pain because I have to get all kinds of stuff done so that I can go, and I can admit that I'm a little bit scared.

I don't have anything else to say. I feel kind of strange.
azurai11: (Default)
Hi.

I feel sucky. I know this is just going to pass and I know that it's got more to do with the fact that I have been getting way less sleep than is advisable and that I just finished my period and thus am somewhat hormonal but I really, really just feel sucky. I kind of want to kill myself, except not actually at all. it's more like I want to be dead, but only temporarily. not like, zombie temporary death, but like... oh you were sleeping like the dead kind of dead. except that doesn't make any sense, does it. I just want to take a break from feeling sucky, I guess. I don't know. I should probably not be looked to for sense making at the moment, as, as I mentioned, I am running on inadvisably which is apparently not a word but fuck that low levels of slumber.

Also I really want to be listening to music right now but this computer that I'm on is emo and hates sounds aside from the mundane, truly so sad clicking sounds of its soul, ie processor. or something. As I said already, don't look at me if you're looking for sense right now, because I'm not making any.

Also also I would really like it if I had a master plan. like, something where I had a better idea of what the hell to do with my life and knew how the fuck to get there without being a mess of anxiety and oh jeezus overwhelmed. I love the word overwhelmed, even if I do not like being it, because it is generally a wonderful way of describing the way I feel when I feel it and also check that spelling out. whelm. that right there is amazing. I feel like if I throw a bunch of tarot cards and random objects and a few well chosen globs of creativity and some scrapings from the relatively intelligent half of the internet on my floor then I will somehow be able to rearrange them magically into something that makes sense, like in those detective dramas, and that can be my master plan.. or something.




I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND FOR JUST RIGHT NOW I HATE MYSELF, BUT NOT REALLY AND NOT AS MUCH AS WHEN I STARTED WRITING THIS.

♥ ♥ ♥

because when it comes to ♥s, 3 is for some reason my favorite number

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azurai11

September 2013

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