May. 10th, 2011

azurai11: (Default)
Sometimes deviantART really just frustrates me. It just- *sigh* I hate it when I search a word, just to see what comes up, and everything that comes up on the first page is the farthest thing from what I was expecting/hoping for.

I got lost in the black hole that is wikipedia today. mainly I was looking at things relating to human sexuality- I was not aware that wikipedia has so many nude photographs on it. like, of erections. I don't know, I'm so used to things being censored so that you can't look at nude photographs unless you're a member of a site- I just didn't realize that they even could do that. also erect penises just look weird. It's kind of in a funny way, and also kind of in a 'what the hell?' way. also I did not realize that clitorises could have erections. I'm going to shut up about this now. I like wikipedia, it's an interesting place.

I feel like a mess. I'm sorry I haven't been on LJ much the last week or so, I've just... I don't know. I have to keep reminding myself that the fact that I'm performing as well in school as I would like to or in the way that I would like to does not make me a horrible, terrible person. I am also kind of starting to panic about going to Germany. I just. It is like a blank page but I can't even see the paper- I can't see the dimensions of it at all, aside from the blurry parentheses of the beginning and the end of it in time. I don't even have shadows from which I can guess at what the experience will be like. I am actually pretty sure that this will be a very positive experience for me, but even so it is terrifying. eight weeks isn't that long but it's a long time.

Everyone is leaving- our suite is already one person less. the parking lots all have fewer cars than they usually do. everywhere are the signs of Sewanee leaving, and I don't really mind, but it's also so sad, it's also tearing me apart, it's also a reminder of lost opportunities and all the stuff that I meant to do but never got around to. I am so ready for this pattern to end, and I feel like if I don't make the changes happen this time, if I don't break the pattern this time, I feel so certain that I will shatter. I feel so sure of it, so sure.

I feel like whatever is in me has an expiration date, and if I don't get it out soon, if I don't figure out what it is soon, then it's going to die. It's going to die and rot inside of me and I will still be carrying it when I am middle aged and there won't be much point in living at all.

I think I'm at the tipping point.

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