May. 20th, 2011

azurai11: (Default)
so, sorry about posting something really kind of depressing and then just being completely absent for like a week or two.
After some delays in the flights, I finally made it to Germany. I've only been here two days- my host, Frau W., is a sweetheart who cooks me too much food, and the one class that I've had at the school was nice. The city is very interesting as well. the nights, however, are looking like they'll be the hard part of being here. I know it's only been two days and I need to give myself time to adjust, but night is when the homesickness, loneliness, and depression hit me. Distracting myself from it works but only for short periods of time- it literally just feels like a cover up. when I get in bed and turn the lights off, there's only so long that I can keep my mind from turning to "I'm going to be here for eight weeks. I'm not going to see my family for eight weeks," which then turns into me wanting to cry. I can't decide if it's better for me to give into it and let it pass or if I should continue to suppress it. I don't know. I think that it's very important for me to remember that right now it's only been two days. I'm still dealing a bit with jet-lag, it looks like I just got my period, and I'm adjusting to new surroundings, speaking and sort of thinking in a different language, and it's normal that right now I'm feeling sort of sick, emotionally. More than likely, this will pass. I will quite possibly crash, with a sort of release of all of these emotions, in a few days, and the important thing is that if that happens, everything that happens after it is positive. The last time that I was abroad, as an exchange student in Wiesbaden in high school, things did not get any better after I crashed. they got significantly worse. I think I'm still unconsciously bracing myself for the same thing.

However, I am already doing so much better than I was that time, and I really do think that that's the pattern that it's going to follow. once I've adjusted more and once I've had a full night of good sleep *last night while in the process of trying to go to sleep I had some... disturbing/unpleasant waking dreams. after I got to sleep it was fine, but I kind of have some weird paranoias involving sleep already, so...* I think that some of these feelings that are bothering me at night will either lessen or go away completely, so.

I talked to my dad tonight, and to my "little brother" who lives in Stuttgart, and that has kind of helped me as far as the feelings of isolation go. I'm also going to try to start writing my experience like a book.... I feel that having a story to write will give me something to focus on- maybe writing my own story isn't the best idea, as I'm looking for something to ground me for the entirety of the time that we're here, but I've always been kind of obsessed with writing my own story- this is one of the most interesting things that I've done that I can remember clearly enough that I can actually write it.

It's almost 10 pm here, so I need to go to bed.
If you want a post card or a letter, I love writing them, so let me know your address *in a private message, since my posts are public and you don't want that information out there on the web like that*

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azurai11

September 2013

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