Nov. 3rd, 2011

azurai11: (Default)
....hi. Sorry about the... uh.. six-month absence? it's been a while. and I'm really sorry that I left with just that previous depressing entry. I ended up having an amazing time in Berlin. and I kept meaning to write about it on here, but I do a daily writing exercise thing on another site called 750words, so most days I would write there and then just be too tired to write anything on here. I'm pretty sure that I am a terrible horrible internet friend and that kind of makes me want to cry, because... yeah. Aw fuck, now I'm actually crying...

anyways. just a little update on what's been happening in my life. Except I can't actually remember some of it that clearly/it's exhausting to think about properly summarizing what's happened in the past... some-odd months. so just the past few weeks. At some point a few weeks ago I had a panic attack while I was in bed, which was... frankly terrifying and disturbing. and from there things just got worse. I ended up procrastinating on a bunch of stuff, like, by several weeks, and.. even before this I had been not sleeping or getting very little sleep and as a result missing classes. so my grades are... pretty terrible, right now. I came back from fall break and actually talked to my professors and promised to change things... and promptly failed at that. So I felt even worse and started avoiding all of my friends and missing classes again and just not... not really doing anything and just feeling... sick to my bones about it. Writing this up is really painful, actually.

I also started feeling suicidal pretty much all the time, and even though I've never considered acting on those feelings and have dealt with being suicidal for a long time, it was... very disturbing. It's like... I couldn't even walk anywhere without imagining my blood all over the pavement. a similarly disturbing development was that I ended up self-injuring with the scissors on my pocket knife - not enough to draw blood, but enough to leave a mark. and that... was kind of a revelation in that I don't think I will ever want to self-injure again except with a knife/scissors, which is... a big change to what I used to be doing, which was just using push pins.

so yeah. it got to the point where I went over to Liv's room, which was the first real contact I'd had with friends in at least five days, and talked to her and she was like, yeah, you're making an appointment with counseling services, right now, and you need to talk to your professors, too.

So I talked to my professors and they were all wonderfully understanding, and I had my first appointment with counseling services yesterday, and it went well, and on the whole, I think I'm improving a bit. but I still have really dark moments, which is what's under the cut, if you care to read it.

I just... fuck. I am a really terrible internet friend and I am so, so sorry. Because I love you, but I am... pretty much absent except when I'm a mess and I.... I'm sorry. I really don't deserve any of you.


...idk )
azurai11: (Default)
there's nothing, oh god there's nothing that can fix this I JUST WANT TO SCREAM because oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck help

I want to be clawing at my throat strangling myself cutting something anything to give this thing a voice but I can't and I know this will go away but I'm in the storm right now and it hurts it hurts so much

what is wrong with me.
azurai11: (Default)
and now it's gone. typical.

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