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[personal profile] azurai11
so, sorry about posting something really kind of depressing and then just being completely absent for like a week or two.
After some delays in the flights, I finally made it to Germany. I've only been here two days- my host, Frau W., is a sweetheart who cooks me too much food, and the one class that I've had at the school was nice. The city is very interesting as well. the nights, however, are looking like they'll be the hard part of being here. I know it's only been two days and I need to give myself time to adjust, but night is when the homesickness, loneliness, and depression hit me. Distracting myself from it works but only for short periods of time- it literally just feels like a cover up. when I get in bed and turn the lights off, there's only so long that I can keep my mind from turning to "I'm going to be here for eight weeks. I'm not going to see my family for eight weeks," which then turns into me wanting to cry. I can't decide if it's better for me to give into it and let it pass or if I should continue to suppress it. I don't know. I think that it's very important for me to remember that right now it's only been two days. I'm still dealing a bit with jet-lag, it looks like I just got my period, and I'm adjusting to new surroundings, speaking and sort of thinking in a different language, and it's normal that right now I'm feeling sort of sick, emotionally. More than likely, this will pass. I will quite possibly crash, with a sort of release of all of these emotions, in a few days, and the important thing is that if that happens, everything that happens after it is positive. The last time that I was abroad, as an exchange student in Wiesbaden in high school, things did not get any better after I crashed. they got significantly worse. I think I'm still unconsciously bracing myself for the same thing.

However, I am already doing so much better than I was that time, and I really do think that that's the pattern that it's going to follow. once I've adjusted more and once I've had a full night of good sleep *last night while in the process of trying to go to sleep I had some... disturbing/unpleasant waking dreams. after I got to sleep it was fine, but I kind of have some weird paranoias involving sleep already, so...* I think that some of these feelings that are bothering me at night will either lessen or go away completely, so.

I talked to my dad tonight, and to my "little brother" who lives in Stuttgart, and that has kind of helped me as far as the feelings of isolation go. I'm also going to try to start writing my experience like a book.... I feel that having a story to write will give me something to focus on- maybe writing my own story isn't the best idea, as I'm looking for something to ground me for the entirety of the time that we're here, but I've always been kind of obsessed with writing my own story- this is one of the most interesting things that I've done that I can remember clearly enough that I can actually write it.

It's almost 10 pm here, so I need to go to bed.
If you want a post card or a letter, I love writing them, so let me know your address *in a private message, since my posts are public and you don't want that information out there on the web like that*

Date: 2011-05-21 12:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainbowjehan.livejournal.com
Writing things down tends to help a lot -- I kept a journal in India and that was very soothing during some of the times that I was having wee little crises (and not so wee crises). Focusing on both the experiences you're having and legimitising the feelings you're having (by studying them and writing them down) can help you appreciate the cool stuff you're doing while still acknowledging that you're going to feel kind of alone and weird when you're in a foreign country by yourself.

There's an extra feeling of isolation in a foreign country that's different from being away from just home because there's a whole culture surrounding you that isn't part of your daily life, and you have to adjust to that, but God knows it can be really really tough.

As you've said, this isn't your first time doing this, and you have coping skills now that you didn't used to have. Acknowledge and accept your homesickness and tell yourself that you can deal with it. ♥ You are a strong lovely person and you deserve to have a nice time.

(On the sleep front, I have that too sometimes when I'm having anxiety about something. Sometimes playing soothing music helps? Just make a quick playlist for your iPod or [insert device here] and play it while you're trying to fall asleep. That has helped me in the past.)

Date: 2011-05-21 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azurai.livejournal.com
yeah, I think I'm going to start writing my experiences tomorrow- It's funny, but it's surprisingly hard to make the time to write all of that stuff down.

Already by today I feel like I'm doing better, and I think that's in large part due to the fact that I've been skyping with my parents and with my friends, and that makes me feel a little/lot less isolated *I can't decide if it makes me feel a lot less isolated or a little less isolated! whatever, every little bit helps, right?* I think too that once I have adjusted it's all going to be so much better.

Also, while I was talking with my friend on Skype, I realized that it's going to go by so much faster than it feels like it's going to go by, and that made me feel better too.

(unfortunately that's not really an option for me because I don't have an i-pod or any other music listening device besides my computer. but, music hasn't been that helpful to my falling-asleep endeavors in the recent past, so. *shrug*)

I love hearing from you- you're so good at helping me calm down about things. every time I read a comment from you I just feel like I've gotten some new reassurance that it's going to be okay. which, really, I do, but I mean, I feel like you could post a blank comment and I would just feel better even from that. ♥

Date: 2011-05-23 04:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainbowjehan.livejournal.com
<333

I don't know if this is exactly it, but I feel like our experiences have followed similar trajectories, because so much of what you say feels so familiar to me, either as something I used to have a lot of or as something I still have to deal with. So it feels really important to tell you stuff that I've done or at very least assure you that this does get better, because I've been through so much of it and I'm in such a better place than when I started. So I feel confident that you will too; you just need the time and the good care and for people to support you, the way I was fortunate enough to have.

SO YEAH.

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