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[personal profile] azurai11
....hi. Sorry about the... uh.. six-month absence? it's been a while. and I'm really sorry that I left with just that previous depressing entry. I ended up having an amazing time in Berlin. and I kept meaning to write about it on here, but I do a daily writing exercise thing on another site called 750words, so most days I would write there and then just be too tired to write anything on here. I'm pretty sure that I am a terrible horrible internet friend and that kind of makes me want to cry, because... yeah. Aw fuck, now I'm actually crying...

anyways. just a little update on what's been happening in my life. Except I can't actually remember some of it that clearly/it's exhausting to think about properly summarizing what's happened in the past... some-odd months. so just the past few weeks. At some point a few weeks ago I had a panic attack while I was in bed, which was... frankly terrifying and disturbing. and from there things just got worse. I ended up procrastinating on a bunch of stuff, like, by several weeks, and.. even before this I had been not sleeping or getting very little sleep and as a result missing classes. so my grades are... pretty terrible, right now. I came back from fall break and actually talked to my professors and promised to change things... and promptly failed at that. So I felt even worse and started avoiding all of my friends and missing classes again and just not... not really doing anything and just feeling... sick to my bones about it. Writing this up is really painful, actually.

I also started feeling suicidal pretty much all the time, and even though I've never considered acting on those feelings and have dealt with being suicidal for a long time, it was... very disturbing. It's like... I couldn't even walk anywhere without imagining my blood all over the pavement. a similarly disturbing development was that I ended up self-injuring with the scissors on my pocket knife - not enough to draw blood, but enough to leave a mark. and that... was kind of a revelation in that I don't think I will ever want to self-injure again except with a knife/scissors, which is... a big change to what I used to be doing, which was just using push pins.

so yeah. it got to the point where I went over to Liv's room, which was the first real contact I'd had with friends in at least five days, and talked to her and she was like, yeah, you're making an appointment with counseling services, right now, and you need to talk to your professors, too.

So I talked to my professors and they were all wonderfully understanding, and I had my first appointment with counseling services yesterday, and it went well, and on the whole, I think I'm improving a bit. but I still have really dark moments, which is what's under the cut, if you care to read it.

I just... fuck. I am a really terrible internet friend and I am so, so sorry. Because I love you, but I am... pretty much absent except when I'm a mess and I.... I'm sorry. I really don't deserve any of you.

last night was a bad night. I got my word count for the day with NaNo, but I accomplished little else, and I just.....

after I got in bed, it was

it was unbearable, I guess.

I wound up writing : It hurts to be alive because someday I'll be dead" on my arm in the dark. it's the truth, honestly. the knowledge that our lives are finite, that (for all that I know, and this certainly seems to be true to me right now) when we die we have ended, ceased to be - it's incredibly painful. it was particularly bad last night. it wrapped around me and it was all that there was and I just.

I want to scream, I want to claw at the walls, oh god I cannot bear this. Language has betrayed me. I - there are no words, no punctuation, no phrases to express what I feel. the depths of it are beyond the capacity of language or art to express and it is trapped within me and oh god how am I meant to bear this?

it's not- it's not possible. I feel so completely trapped. I have a past that I miss desperately and cannot return to, a future ahead of me that I cannot imagine except that it will be more of this, and I cannot kill myself because of what I know that would do to my family and my friends and because the idea of being dead is honestly terrifying. I am TRAPPED. I am trapped in this body and this time and these things and I cannot bear it. IT IS INTOLERABLE TO BE TRAPPED IN THIS.

I am not who I want to be and I do not know how to fix this. I think of ways but each is dismissed for one reason or another and I want to just... I want to curl up in a ball and be nowhere, I want to be in the darkness and have none of this to deal with because I cannot -

this is awful. and I know, I know I know I know I know that I should be able to just stop this, it is within my ability to fix this and why can't I make myself do it? why? why does this continue?

I am filled with guilt. I feel so guilty. I feel like a terrible person. I feel like a failure. I am a disappointment and I can't stand this.

How I hate thee!

It keeps running through my head, and I know it's not true because I broke that one, I did, but even though I don't hate myself I hate who I am right now.

And I know, I know better than this, I should know better than to think like this, but what else am I supposed to do? How can I stop myself from thinking? I don't have the strength right now to block these thoughts, to turn them back.

I feel like my world is ending and I can't make it stop. there's nothing I can do.

I can't reach what I'm trying so hard to get at I just can't.

Does it get better? does it ever? really? I know the answers to these questions, I do, because it has gotten better for me before, but every time is followed by a return to this and honestly, I kind of thought that I was done with this. After the incredible summer that I had in Berlin, after all the progress I made during those two months and how incredibly excited I was for this school year, I honestly thought that maybe I was mostly done with this.

And I'm obviously not. it's back, and it feels like it is ripping me apart on the inside, it feels like I am hollow, it feels dark and torn inside my chest and you know what is almost worse than that? Tomorrow, it is possible that I won't feel it anymore. in an hours' time, that empty feeling may be gone. I will be back to a functional level and when I turn out the lights to go to sleep tonight, I might still be there, but I might collapse back into it, surrounded by the empty, standing on a pin with nothing at all to support me.

I don't know, honestly. and when I am not inside of it, it's hard to believe I ever was, that I will ever return to that.

life is terrifying, and I feel like I am barely living.

Date: 2011-11-04 04:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Suicidal ideation is absolutely miserable. Even though you know you won't do anything, you still have to endure all the thoughts and imagery that goes with it. Sucks.

I'm glad you're doing counselling. I really believe in the value of a decent therapist.

Believe me when I say that no one begrudges you the absence. I know plenty of people who have had to take a sabbatical from their online media for a while. All anybody wants is for you to be okay.

I wish I were closer, because if I could reasonably do it I would go where you are and hugs you and tell you everything I know about how it gets better.

Hang in there, sweetheart. You are worth it, even when it doesn't feel like it. And you are loved.

Date: 2011-11-04 06:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*holds on to*


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