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[personal profile] azurai11
got in bed like 40 minutes ago, almost immediately started crying. haven't really been able to come to a full stop with that, it just starts up and then stops for a bit before starting up again. got out of bed maybe ten minutes ago because even though all i want to do is go to sleep i can't make my mind stop thinking about the rotting of my flesh and the inevitable end of life and how incredibly alone i feel and how i can't .... how there are so many things that are not and will not be. and see... this is the part that i always keep hidden. i don't let anyone see this part, the part where i'm just curled up in a ball and crying because there's a fucking black hole inside of me and i am caught in its teeth. it's not... it's not so much that i don't want someone to be there for that as it is that i can't let go of myself like that around other people. this is both a good thing and a bad thing. it means that when i'm around people i generally calm the fuck down, generally pretty fast, and given how painful some of these emotional states can be, that's a really good thing. at the same time, this means that i'm not really healing. i'm basically just shoving it out of sight, not necessarily intentionally, and not going for help when, even if i'm not in danger of hurting myself, i need it most, because i'm hurting the most in those moments. no one sees them. i mean no one. i can't think of a single instance where someone has been witness to these moments where i feel utterly helpless. people have seen me have breakdowns, because the majority of my breakdowns happened when i was participating in dance, and i couldn't avoid people. i wasn't close to any of those people though.
of all my friends on campus, liv is probably my closest friend and the one who i take the most comfort from. she also lives on the other side of campus. i do have friends living in the same dorm as me, but they are all guys, and.... they don't generally know what to do when i'm ... actively displaying emotions like these and also i find them to be kind of exhausting lately. so.......

i really.. i really, really want for someone to just come upon me when one of these moments is already in progress and just hold me and let me sob and cry and just..... because this hurts, it really, really does, and no one ever sees this part and when it's over i just feel numb and i can't... it's like it never happened. i might mention to a friend that i had a bad night, but i don't.... i just want, for once, for someone to hold me and not ask questions about what i'm feeling and what they can do, and i don't want to have to explain or be talked down, i just want someone to see this.

i can't explain why that feels like it would be helpful.

i guess because i am always holding back, all the time, with pretty much everyone. my therapist/counselor/whatever pointed this out to me the other day, and... i knew i was doing that, i did, but... i hadn't actually realized it for real. i hold back everything. even when i'm being open, i'm holding back. part of it is that it's frustrating to talk about it when it feels like i don't have the vocabulary to verbalize any of it, but another part of it is that i am terrified of people seeing this. i don't know why, exactly. i think it's related to my perfectionism, but *shrug*. regardless of the reason/s, i have been holding back a huge part of my emotions since i was fourteen. i don't let people see the full extent of it because i'm afraid of what it will do to them and because i'm afraid of what they might make me do for my own good. it's.... it is so exhausting, trying to be perfect all the time, particularly because i fail at it, utterly, nearly all the time. i am almost always disappointed in myself. i never... i never meet my own expectations. that's part of why i spend so much time thinking that i'm a failure and that i'm a terrible person. and it just....

nothing feels right. i... i am nowhere near the person who i want to be, or if i am, i am too... too caught up in this storm to see it. my body feels all wrong, not just because of the aches and pains but because it feels like it is ... gradually rotting around me, slowly turning against me and changing into something that i won't recognize. i am so frustrated with myself, because i should be able to just snap out of this.... logically i know it doesn't work that way, but i just... i feel like i should be able to. i feel like i've let down all of my professors and... i just....

i can't stop thinking. god i wish my brain would just shut up. i wish my feet weren't so fucking cold.

i feel like my body is rotting all around me.

i'm kind of terrified of waking up tomorrow morning, because this will probably be gone, and i'm sick of being this unstable.

and this might seem like a really strange thought, but i keep thinking about having children, and how as much as i want to have children, i really shouldn't, because if i'm like this.... if i'm still like this when i have children i will be a terrible mother and if this is genetic then how can i possibly justify having children when i might pass this on to them?

and... that thought really scares me.

i don't know, i just.. i don't fucking know.

i'm alone right now but i promise i'm not going to hurt myself or try to take my life. if this gets any worse... i'll call someone. i don't know who, but i promise i will call someone.

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azurai11

September 2013

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