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I feel sucky. I know this is just going to pass and I know that it's got more to do with the fact that I have been getting way less sleep than is advisable and that I just finished my period and thus am somewhat hormonal but I really, really just feel sucky. I kind of want to kill myself, except not actually at all. it's more like I want to be dead, but only temporarily. not like, zombie temporary death, but like... oh you were sleeping like the dead kind of dead. except that doesn't make any sense, does it. I just want to take a break from feeling sucky, I guess. I don't know. I should probably not be looked to for sense making at the moment, as, as I mentioned, I am running on inadvisably which is apparently not a word but fuck that low levels of slumber.

Also I really want to be listening to music right now but this computer that I'm on is emo and hates sounds aside from the mundane, truly so sad clicking sounds of its soul, ie processor. or something. As I said already, don't look at me if you're looking for sense right now, because I'm not making any.

Also also I would really like it if I had a master plan. like, something where I had a better idea of what the hell to do with my life and knew how the fuck to get there without being a mess of anxiety and oh jeezus overwhelmed. I love the word overwhelmed, even if I do not like being it, because it is generally a wonderful way of describing the way I feel when I feel it and also check that spelling out. whelm. that right there is amazing. I feel like if I throw a bunch of tarot cards and random objects and a few well chosen globs of creativity and some scrapings from the relatively intelligent half of the internet on my floor then I will somehow be able to rearrange them magically into something that makes sense, like in those detective dramas, and that can be my master plan.. or something.


♥ ♥ ♥

because when it comes to ♥s, 3 is for some reason my favorite number
azurai11: (Default)
really, I don't. I just feel like posting, so that's what I'm doing.

I kind of hate having to use the computers in the library sometimes, because there are so many people all around me, and as stupid as it is, I feel like they're all judging me for what I'm doing on the internet, even though it's much more likely that they could care less what I'm doing. they probably care more about whatever assignment they're working on finishing, because that's what most people in the ATC are doing, unlike me. Even so, I'd rather be on my laptop.

Alas, this cannot be, for my laptop is virus-y, and actually it has been for... about a month at this point, and I just never got around to taking it in to be looked at by tech-people. but as of tonight it particularly hates life, the universe, and everything. so I'm wondering if I should take it in or just not turn it on again until spring break, because that's only like, a week or two away, and my brother is a genius with computers or something IDK and and and. it's all ridiculous, isn't it.

um, what else. I'm doing altered books now, and I'm also writing fiction virtually everyday, so that's kind of fucking awesome. because I have been wasting my life for a good many years, and finally being creative like this is wonderful, because I don't understand why I ever let it slow down like I did.

And yet depression insists on making me feel shitty. not really, because... I don't know. Everything is going so well that there's nothing for it to latch onto, but it hovers at the back of my mind almost constantly, because... It's habit, I guess. I know that some part of it is real, but a lot of the thought patterns that go along with it are just sort of compulsively, sluggishly, half-heartedly acting themselves out. bleh, whatever. I don't feel like talking about it because it's not even all that serious. it's just shades of gray.

Um, also I'm doing a summer program in Germany this summer shh that wasn't redundant at all, which is exciting but also a pain because I have to get all kinds of stuff done so that I can go, and I can admit that I'm a little bit scared.

I don't have anything else to say. I feel kind of strange.
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aaand again. I think this song does something to me....

I think this is kind of like the part of me that wants to cut my hair, and wants to dye it rainbow. ... I've always been the safe one, I always do what I know is safe, I stick to what I've got, never straying outside the lines... I've convinced myself that I am who I am and that yes, the dreamselfs, they're lovely, but they're not me, not really who I am. This person who goes through every moment of my life, that's me, that's my true self... but isn't there some of me in the dream, too? I know that some of the dreamselfs are things that I would like to try on for a little while, maybe a month at the most, but wouldn't want to do long-term, but aren't there a few of them, aren't there just a few of them that hold some true desire in them? I know this moment, this moment of apricot orange electricity in my mind won't last forever, and tomorrow there will be the mundane, waiting at my door because I have to inhabit the real world just like everyone else, but isn't there truth in this moment too?

...I know that I genuinely love my hair the way that it is, that I love the way it looks, the way it feels, love brushing it, but... I wonder sometimes. there are some things that grate at me a bit, because they started out as genuinely me, but they're beginning to feel like things I do only because I've been doing them so long, like I only do them because that's what everyone expects of me. It's like I'm in this me-shaped space that's been created by their expectations, and... It is me, I know that to be true, but I feel like there are bits of me that I shed a while ago which have been tacked on so that I don't let go of them fully....

This goes back to me being the one who takes the safe option every time. I want to risk, I want to take some risks.... I want to adventure.... I know that there are benefits to the way I live my life, but the other side looks quite beautiful right now....
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I could have edited my previous post since this in the same vein, but... I didn't feel like it. so. more thoughts:

I kind of want to be in a band. I don't know if this is very... rational. or probable.

It feels like my other self is trying to get out, trying come out from underneath my skin, where she's been hiding out like liquid lightning and sparks of magic in my aura... She's been pointing out to me lately that maybe I could do the things that I keep telling myself will never happen, that I can't do because it's not safe or I wouldn't be good at it or it costs too much money. ...she's very spontaneous, full of desires and willingness to try, and I suppose that's very attractive. .....I kind of want to be her...

I think that would be very, very dangerous, but... maybe it would be for the best. I wonder if she's really ready to come out now, though... I don't know. I think I'm going to try listening to her.

Maybe I'll try joining a band.
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Hello. some thoughts:

I kind of want to leave everything behind, like in one of those teen novels. but I feel like that only happens and turns out well in fiction. I feel like if I do that, then I'll end up getting raped.

I feel almost like transferring would be the best option because I don't really know what I want to do, and this is kind of an expensive place to figure that out. I should probably clarify that I'm talking about college

I won't be admitting this to my parents anytime soon, because I don't think they'd particularly appreciate it, but I kind of just want to work some regular job. I don't really want to sit behind a desk... except maybe as a secretary, but what I mean is that all I really want is to have a job that pays money and leaves me enough time to do the projects that I want to do and keeps me busy. I've heard that retail is hell, but... Part of me thinks it wouldn't be so bad. this is probably in part because I've never worked retail.

At the heart of the issue, I kind of don't want to do the straight path, go-to-college-to-get-a-degree-to-get-a-job thing. I guess it's also that I don't want my life to change, but really, I feel like... Like I'm on the verge of a huge change. I don't know what's changing, which is why I haven't really talked about it with anyone, I've only written it, but... I feel like there's something growing inside of me that's going to explode into bloom, soon.... I feel like I'm on the verge of finding my key, but then again, yesterday I felt like I would never find my key.

I really just don't know what's going on, and that's okay for now, but how much longer?

I don't know. I keep living.
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So, my girlfriend and I broke up last night! =D I know this probably seems really strange that I'm so happy about this, but the fact of the matter is that we were pretty much only dating in name and she was just as relieved as I was to go back to being friends. I did have myself in a crazy anxious mindset before it happened, because even though I was pretty sure that she felt the same way breaking up with someone still sucks. This was also the first time I'd ever done that. but now it's over, and I'm so happy!

Wheee!!! ♥
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This is entirely un-post worthy but I'm posting it anyways!

Iiiiii'm going to the pub to get pancakes because I FEEL LIKE IT and because I've done pretty well today if I may say so myself and also I'm hungry and I'd rather have pancakes than ramen.

We now return you to whatever you were doing before you read this, if you read this.

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I kind of just want to magically become one of those GIFs wandering around on the internet of stick figures and other people representers barfing up rainbows, except the only reason I would be barfing up rainbows right now is that all of the color feels like it's drained out of me and I've always seen those GIFs as semi-happy things...
At this point, I have no further doubts. I'm in the middle of a depressive swing, which explains the not-normal-enough-to-be-normal rapid mood shifts and wanting to cry at random and being this tired and feeling this useless and unhappy DESPITE the fact that I'm doing fairly well as far as life goes *ie getting homework done and turned in on time, keeping my room clean, etc*, which usually things NOT going that way is the primary contributor to my depressive periods, so... this is new, a bit.

There is one particular thing that I can tell is a huge factor in the misery that I drop into as soon as I finish being productive, but I don't want to talk about it yet because then it will be real and will get out of the control I exercise over it by keeping it secret.

And now I'm going to go to bed. because I feel utterly exhausted.
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I don't even know what to post, because... I don't know, but I don't know. Agh. Also in the course of roughly an hour and a half tonight I went from being happy to really sad to shutting everyone out to being pissed to being sad to being pissed and then to being between pissed and sad/lonely, and then to feeling pretty good actually, which is where I am right now. there was some kind of reasoning behind my feelings, so I'm not overly worried about the rapid nature of my mood changes, particularly as it wasn't disorienting or painfully rapid switching. Even so, it's interesting. It really is true that out of all of my friends I am the most emotionally unstable. *sigh* Whatever, so long as I don't wind up rapid swinging *ie sobbing one minute, laughing hysterically the next* I don't mind that much. I mean I do, because... those emotions suck, and they're really confusing when they're happening, but... if I had my choice of rapid or relatively reasonable tempo, I bet you can guess which one I would choose.
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in the dark
and the cold
and the snow-
i found beauty
where the day had promised none.

Today sucked, but tonight has been okay. I feel hopeful.
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except I did wind up taking that walk and it was actually helpful, but now... I really don't want to be anymore. I'm so sick of feeling this way, of feeling... I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore, I feel like nothing, I feel empty, I can't stop crying and really I should just go to bed... I'm gonna go to bed now, I'm not going to stay up and cry and be useless tomorrow.....
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HRNG, why am I so stupid sometimes?? bleh, I wasn't proactive about finding out what books I needed for this semester so right now I don't have the books I need for two of my classes and I just feel stupid and am frustrated with myself because this could have been avoided SO EASILY and ARRRRGH.
Other than that the semester all two days of it is going fairly well. I like my classes well enough and it all seems pretty manageable.
But I'm procrastinating on doing my homework and my room is kind of a mess and I PROMISED myself I wasn't going to do that this semester but my brain keeps being all, 'it's okay, you don't have anything to do tomorrow until three! you can do it all then!' and it keeps saying that I can get in the habit of not procrastinating this weekend, and I'm like 'AGH I KNOW BETTER THAN THIS!!' and yeah. Honestly the only thing I want to do right now is go for a wandering kind of walk outside in the fog and sulk/angst/be angry at myself/feel worthless, but that's really not a particularly productive/healthy way of dealing with the way I feel right now. So instead of giving into my bad habit of letting the angst get to me and turn into something more serious, I'm going to do my writing for the day over on 750words and then do homework and then clean up my room a bit because seriously, I KNOW BETTER. The cycle doesn't have to repeat itself, I can take control.
I'm really fine, just frustrated with myself for not doing things that I could have done easily. Time to apply Buddhist philosophy, y/y? *meditation position* let go, let it go....
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Hi there! It's been a long time, hasn't it? In case you're wondering where I've been *by which I mean what I've been doing all this time that I wasn't here, on LJ, because I haven't actually been gone from my physical... place* I'm going to tell you! because I know you want to know, really.

What I was doing all this time, the long version )

tl;dr : Last semester was up and down but over all good, except at the end; I did NaNoWriMo and was a winner; I have a girlfriend; because of said girlfriend I have a new fandom obsession with Adam Lambert but really more specifically his bass player, TommyJoe Ratliff *look up his noh8 picture, it's hot*; my dog died; my friend came out to me as trans; we got a new dog; I'm back at school.

That was also tl; dr: I am still alive and have just been too busy living to write here, but now I'm back because, well, I like my friends on here and I don't want to lose them by being absent.

Hopefully I'll be posting more often now!
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So. It's been all summer since I last posted. I'm not going to go on about why or whatever. just going to write, since that's what I need.
I cut myself once or twice last week. they're not deep and they'll be gone within a few days. one time was because I was bored and there was something sharp available to me. the second one was due to emotional stuff, but.. blah, I don't feel like going into that right now.
Other thing: Matt has a girlfriend. I'm not sure if I mention Matt enough here for people to know who he is, so, refresher: he's basically my best friend here at college. I don't know how exactly I feel about him having a girlfriend or even if I should- I've never been interested in him that way *what with being a lesbian and all* and it's only been a few days. it's confusing though, kind of like how it was when Mary and Jared started dating. but Jared, at least, I knew already because he's in my group of friends. Sabra *Matt's girlfriend* is from his other group of friends. she knows everyone in my group of friends, but not me. I don't know what to think of her. yesterday she told me she liked my skirt; today she called me slut. she said it casually, like some people do, without really meaning it, but that doesn't make me any happier about it. I don't know. I will get over it.
next thing: My friend Mia. she has been sent off to some place for her depression/self-injury, but as it was kind of against her will, it's not been very successful. in her letter to me she told me she's realized that she doesn't want to get better. The night before she left for this place I went and hung out with her for a couple of hours, and although we've always been... really physical in a borderline sexual way, it was much more that night, and I've had a crush on her pretty much since ever. so now I am confused a bit, because I would like to explore having a relationship with her, but what with school and such it would be long distance and also I am not sure how good we would be for each other. even though hers is much more severe than mine, we both have depressive/self-injuring tendencies.
Everything feels off. something has changed, either in me or in my relationships with my friends, and I cannot tell if this is just me worrying overly about small things as usual or if there is something legitimately different. things are only just slipping past my desired amount of control, and if I deal with it now then I will stop the landslide. I am procrastinating on this, however.

as ever, I don't know.
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Since the last thing I posted was rather depressing, I thought I'd post something a little more amusing! The very first poems I ever wrote, For Your Enjoyment. I wrote these when I was... five, maybe? I might have been a little older, I'm not sure. Also they're a little more like stories than they are like poems, but I think I intended for them to be poems. I'm leaving in the spelling errors, as that's part of what makes them so amusing

Life would be different in a different house. Moveing to Brentwood meant Living in this house.

Bloom like a flower where ever you are
grow tall and beautiful in the soil where you are.

*there were drawing to accompany the above; the one for the moving poem is a wholly inaccurate representation of our house, and the one for the flower features a hummingbird the same size as a ladybug.*

Shoow maecker!
Shoow maecker!
Come with me and thats all.

*I meant shoe-maker XD*

This one is really meant to be a story, not a poem:
She likes Kurt she is shy thoe. So she dous something aubot it. She is really nice to him she tells her name she sesys it's Arianna. And dreses really nice.
She mary's him ween she is grown up.

There's a drawing of the 'sied' and 'frunt' views of the wedding dress underneath the story.

Hope my five year old scribblings give someone a laugh!
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So. I was reading one of my... notebooks from school with journal like content in it from senior year aaaaand.
It's not that I blocked out how unhappy I was but rather that looking back at something sometimes you can see the good things so clearly that you just forget about the bad stuff, so.
I don't know, I'm failing at structuring this post, but when I went back to my high school to visit teachers/a few students on awards day *in May* one of my teachers told me that she was really glad that I was so happy, and that she felt that I had really needed to get out of that school *my high school, I mean* because it had been killing me. Anyways, the thing is I hadn't realized how much I had changed *I think maybe I was still caught up in the depressive swing I had just come out of, idk* after one year of college, but she was right. and then when I told Kai that she was like, 'yeah, you have really changed.'

And, um. this is a segment from one of my 'notebooks from school with journal like content.' Enjooooy? except I doubt any one would enjoy this, yeah....
.... this is rather depressing..... )
Also all errors are left in on purpose.
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So! hi there. it's been a while, no?
I've been home from school for... mmm, at least a month now, but I think it's a little more than a month. This is the place to be if you want to be stressed. See, this summer was already looking to be stressful before the flood, because of my mom leaving her job *and her being the main financial contributor* and my brother moving back it *temporarily... we want it to be a short stay; him especially*, but the flood just... compounded all of that. Part of it is just the inconvenience of having part of the house practically unusable, but to be honest I think the bigger part of it *that's breeding stress I mean* is the financial aspect. The drywall in the rec-room and garage has to be replaced about... five feet up *I'm estimating- also, the water only got up about 3 ft-ish, but they cut out about five feet up of the drywall* and there's some electrical work to be done, I think, plus painting everything. Also the garage door has to be repaired, because the guys who did our air conditioning locked it without telling us and my mom hit the button, so yeah. It looks kind of crumpled. Thankfully we got air conditioning back a few weeks ago. We also lost two of our cars because of the flooding, so we had to replace those and let me tell you, that was an ordeal. So yeah, cost of new cars + cost of all these repairs = A lot of spending just as our family income is about to drop. Then of course is the non-monetary cost: All the stuff that was in the rec-room is now piled in the living room. We're a little cramped. Also: emotional cost of flooding. I know my parents lost things and my brother probably lost a few things too, though not as much since he wasn't living here at the time, but I was kind of under the impression that the things I was keeping out in the garage *writing, drawings, etc* were fine. That's what my mom had told me, anyways. Last weekend though, I finally got to go through those boxes and... pretty much everything had to be thrown out. When I was going through the first box, the one that had old drawings and pages I had cut out from magazines, I got a little teary, but I was mostly okay, with one or two exceptions. the second box was the one with my old notebooks. Journals, poetry, prose, all of that. A few of the notebooks survived because of the way they were stacked, but most of them had to be thrown out. I did a lot of crying. That was pretty upsetting, just realizing that they had to be thrown out. It turned out not to be as bad as I had thought, though- even though they had to be thrown out, because of mold/mildew etc, most of what was written/drawn in there was still legible, so I could actually take pictures and type up things. also I think that it's ultimately a good thing that this happened. Not that I'm glad the flood happened- I really wish it hadn't. There are a lot of people who lost so much more than we did. BUT, a lot of these things that I was keeping, they weren't anywhere near as important to me as I thought they were. There are a lot of things that I really, really wish I could have saved somehow, but most of the things I probably would have ended up throwing out eventually anyways. Also, a lot of the writing that was out there was stuff that I hadn't looked at in years, but as I started typing them up I realized how much potential a lot of them had and that was really exciting. If the flood hadn't of happened I might have never looked at these again.
So yeah, all of that stuff is a big source of stress. Other source of stress is that I don't have a job. My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me to get a job, and although I really do understand why they want me to get a job so badly, this is just exhausting *plus it pisses me off- seems like I can't do anything right, to listen to my parents*. I really hate job hunting. I basically go out every morning and drive around looking for places that I might be able to work at, go in and ask if they're hiring, and usually they tell me to go online or that they're not hiring but I can still fill out an application. When I get home mom asks me where I went and what the response was and then tells me all the other places I should have/was supposed to/need to go to and tells me that I need to go more places.
whatever, I might come back and edit this, cause I don't think it's very well written...
azurai11: (Default)
Flood update:
I have no idea about insurance or what they will cover, but I do know that all of my papers that were in the garage were high enough that they were fine. I also know *from my brother's facebook* that the two cars that were in the garage were *I'm quoting, but I don't really know what I'm talking about* "totaled." Apparently 10+ gallons of water came out of the exhaust system? I don't really know, and I don't know if that means we need to get new cars or that they can be repaired. I also am really unsure as to the damage suffered by the rest of Nashville/surrounding area, though I am pretty sure that most of my friends are fine.

Now I am going to focus on studying Econ! :p
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Okay, so, this isn't going to be a very long entry, because I'm working on a paper that's due in class this morning, but I wanted to be sure that I shared some stuff before I got too far away from it.
First of all: This past weekend *May 1st etc* there was really really bad weather in my hometown. My house is in a flood plan. We got flooded. Now, we've had flooding before, but in the past it was maybe an inch of water in the rec-room. That's not that hard to deal with. From what I've heard from my brother, the water got up to his waist in the rec-room this time. My brother is over 6-feet tall. They did move a lot of things out of the rec-room before the water reached that level, but mostly furniture, and a lot of other things were only put a bit higher off the ground because they didn't think that it would get that bad. I don't know exactly what the damage is like, as I am still at school, but I know that at least some of our books got soaked, probably some home videos, most of our DVDs, the couch, and also some of my art work. The water also got into the Garage, which is on the same level as the Rec-room, and I know that the cars probably have some damage, though I don't think that we know quite how much. The other thing that was in the garage which I am still worried about is my papers. Some of those things I could handle losing, but a lot of what I was keeping out there was my writing, and my poems, and my drawings, and books and memories and. If they have been ruined I know I will grow past that, and I know that it's more important that my family and our pets are safe, and I know that we got pretty lucky, all things considered, but either way if those things were ruined then it will be a hard blow, no two ways about it.

Second of all: I don't have time to get into the details of this, because as I said before, paper to work on, but on Sunday I had a... spiritual experience, I guess you could say, though I don't think the sound of that matches up with the intended meaning in the right way. Whatever you want to call it, it had a very big effect on me. I feel very very good.

I will possibly elaborate more on this later but for now, I must get back to my paper. Ta~!
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*glares at LJ for being weird and HTML-y* took me like five tries to get to the normal posting page, for serious... *mutters some more*

It's a beautiful day today. Sun is out, sky is blue, it's WARM. Just over all (should there be a space between that?)*I don't really care, Yasha, so why should you?*(*glares at/pouts*)(I AM NOT POUTING SHE PUT THAT IN THERE!)**sing song* it's a bitch not having a corporeal form, amirite? *smirks* as I was saying...* lovely. This helps my mood immensely. Especially because this morning I didn't really feel like things were going to go all that well, just based on waking up.

See, I didn't do all of the things that I wanted to get done last night, although last night was better, and I didn't go to bed as early as I had planned either, and I also hadn't taken my take home test that was due this morning in class *at 9:30*, so I planned to wake up at like, 6 to get things done, but although my alarm went off at six and I woke up for that, I then slept until about 7.

After waking up I fretted for a bit and then I was like, 'no. I'm not doing this,' and I threw on clothes and then went to breakfast, ate, took my pills, and came back to my room. Then I took a shower, washed my hair, and then I got dressed. But I decided I needed some power today so I wore my ritual dress, which I've never worn outside of ritual before. So then *it was about 8* I took my test and felt pretty good about it, like I feel like I got a low B at the least, and made it to class just a minute or two late. After Econ I went to English and I adore my English class *the course is actually called Modern British Poetry, but whatever* and then after class I was brave and talked to my professor about extra credit and she agreed to my idea so YAY! this does of course mean that I have a paper due on Tuesday, but I don't really care. It's only three pages and it's on one of two poets who I ADORE *IIiiii love lesbians, and being one, and. yeah* and besides all that it's an opportunity to show my professor, who I adore and who is also my advisor, that I am actually usually pretty good at writing, whether we're talking essays or just in general *just about everything I've turned into her has sucked for one reason or another*.

So yes! things are going well. there are still two or three things I have to be brave on, like turning in these labs that are at this point super late and probably talking to my professor about it *which means talking about my recent emotional state which I hate doing*, and also e-mailing the counseling services here at school to make an appointment. The thing with that is that I have no idea what to say... The third thing is a maybe... I'm thinking of asking my German professor about the possibility of a work study with/under him for next year, as a tutor or a grading assistant or something.
The only things I have left to do in terms of homework at this point are the extra-credit paper for English, a lab report due tomorrow and those two stupid late labs, and of course the ever-present and definitely evil Econ task... I will be so happy to be done Econ at the end of this semester!

I'm going to go be productive some more...
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