azurai11: (Default)
hi. so, sorry that my last entry was so... uh. depressing? and then I didn't update again. oops

so here's what happened. I got kicked out of my university because my grades had dropped so much. it was upsetting but ultimately a good thing. I also stopped taking my medication permanently, which was also a very good decision. I spent a year living at home with my parents, going to community college, and working at target. and then I returned to my university for the spring semester of 2013. I'm a senior now and a German major. I'm doing really well, and I also go to counseling regularly. I still have issues with anxiety and depression but they're nowhere near as severe as they used to be. :)

I might start writing here again, idk!
azurai11: (Default)
got in bed like 40 minutes ago, almost immediately started crying. haven't really been able to come to a full stop with that, it just starts up and then stops for a bit before starting up again. got out of bed maybe ten minutes ago because even though all i want to do is go to sleep i can't make my mind stop thinking about the rotting of my flesh and the inevitable end of life and how incredibly alone i feel and how i can't .... how there are so many things that are not and will not be. and see... this is the part that i always keep hidden. i don't let anyone see this part, the part where i'm just curled up in a ball and crying because there's a fucking black hole inside of me and i am caught in its teeth. it's not... it's not so much that i don't want someone to be there for that as it is that i can't let go of myself like that around other people. this is both a good thing and a bad thing. it means that when i'm around people i generally calm the fuck down, generally pretty fast, and given how painful some of these emotional states can be, that's a really good thing. at the same time, this means that i'm not really healing. i'm basically just shoving it out of sight, not necessarily intentionally, and not going for help when, even if i'm not in danger of hurting myself, i need it most, because i'm hurting the most in those moments. no one sees them. i mean no one. i can't think of a single instance where someone has been witness to these moments where i feel utterly helpless. people have seen me have breakdowns, because the majority of my breakdowns happened when i was participating in dance, and i couldn't avoid people. i wasn't close to any of those people though.
of all my friends on campus, liv is probably my closest friend and the one who i take the most comfort from. she also lives on the other side of campus. i do have friends living in the same dorm as me, but they are all guys, and.... they don't generally know what to do when i'm ... actively displaying emotions like these and also i find them to be kind of exhausting lately. so.......

i really.. i really, really want for someone to just come upon me when one of these moments is already in progress and just hold me and let me sob and cry and just..... because this hurts, it really, really does, and no one ever sees this part and when it's over i just feel numb and i can't... it's like it never happened. i might mention to a friend that i had a bad night, but i don't.... i just want, for once, for someone to hold me and not ask questions about what i'm feeling and what they can do, and i don't want to have to explain or be talked down, i just want someone to see this.

i can't explain why that feels like it would be helpful.

i guess because i am always holding back, all the time, with pretty much everyone. my therapist/counselor/whatever pointed this out to me the other day, and... i knew i was doing that, i did, but... i hadn't actually realized it for real. i hold back everything. even when i'm being open, i'm holding back. part of it is that it's frustrating to talk about it when it feels like i don't have the vocabulary to verbalize any of it, but another part of it is that i am terrified of people seeing this. i don't know why, exactly. i think it's related to my perfectionism, but *shrug*. regardless of the reason/s, i have been holding back a huge part of my emotions since i was fourteen. i don't let people see the full extent of it because i'm afraid of what it will do to them and because i'm afraid of what they might make me do for my own good. it's.... it is so exhausting, trying to be perfect all the time, particularly because i fail at it, utterly, nearly all the time. i am almost always disappointed in myself. i never... i never meet my own expectations. that's part of why i spend so much time thinking that i'm a failure and that i'm a terrible person. and it just....

nothing feels right. i... i am nowhere near the person who i want to be, or if i am, i am too... too caught up in this storm to see it. my body feels all wrong, not just because of the aches and pains but because it feels like it is ... gradually rotting around me, slowly turning against me and changing into something that i won't recognize. i am so frustrated with myself, because i should be able to just snap out of this.... logically i know it doesn't work that way, but i just... i feel like i should be able to. i feel like i've let down all of my professors and... i just....

i can't stop thinking. god i wish my brain would just shut up. i wish my feet weren't so fucking cold.

i feel like my body is rotting all around me.

i'm kind of terrified of waking up tomorrow morning, because this will probably be gone, and i'm sick of being this unstable.

and this might seem like a really strange thought, but i keep thinking about having children, and how as much as i want to have children, i really shouldn't, because if i'm like this.... if i'm still like this when i have children i will be a terrible mother and if this is genetic then how can i possibly justify having children when i might pass this on to them?

and... that thought really scares me.

i don't know, i just.. i don't fucking know.

i'm alone right now but i promise i'm not going to hurt myself or try to take my life. if this gets any worse... i'll call someone. i don't know who, but i promise i will call someone.
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why can't everything just be okay?
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and now it's gone. typical.
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there's nothing, oh god there's nothing that can fix this I JUST WANT TO SCREAM because oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck help

I want to be clawing at my throat strangling myself cutting something anything to give this thing a voice but I can't and I know this will go away but I'm in the storm right now and it hurts it hurts so much

what is wrong with me.
azurai11: (Default)
....hi. Sorry about the... uh.. six-month absence? it's been a while. and I'm really sorry that I left with just that previous depressing entry. I ended up having an amazing time in Berlin. and I kept meaning to write about it on here, but I do a daily writing exercise thing on another site called 750words, so most days I would write there and then just be too tired to write anything on here. I'm pretty sure that I am a terrible horrible internet friend and that kind of makes me want to cry, because... yeah. Aw fuck, now I'm actually crying...

anyways. just a little update on what's been happening in my life. Except I can't actually remember some of it that clearly/it's exhausting to think about properly summarizing what's happened in the past... some-odd months. so just the past few weeks. At some point a few weeks ago I had a panic attack while I was in bed, which was... frankly terrifying and disturbing. and from there things just got worse. I ended up procrastinating on a bunch of stuff, like, by several weeks, and.. even before this I had been not sleeping or getting very little sleep and as a result missing classes. so my grades are... pretty terrible, right now. I came back from fall break and actually talked to my professors and promised to change things... and promptly failed at that. So I felt even worse and started avoiding all of my friends and missing classes again and just not... not really doing anything and just feeling... sick to my bones about it. Writing this up is really painful, actually.

I also started feeling suicidal pretty much all the time, and even though I've never considered acting on those feelings and have dealt with being suicidal for a long time, it was... very disturbing. It's like... I couldn't even walk anywhere without imagining my blood all over the pavement. a similarly disturbing development was that I ended up self-injuring with the scissors on my pocket knife - not enough to draw blood, but enough to leave a mark. and that... was kind of a revelation in that I don't think I will ever want to self-injure again except with a knife/scissors, which is... a big change to what I used to be doing, which was just using push pins.

so yeah. it got to the point where I went over to Liv's room, which was the first real contact I'd had with friends in at least five days, and talked to her and she was like, yeah, you're making an appointment with counseling services, right now, and you need to talk to your professors, too.

So I talked to my professors and they were all wonderfully understanding, and I had my first appointment with counseling services yesterday, and it went well, and on the whole, I think I'm improving a bit. but I still have really dark moments, which is what's under the cut, if you care to read it.

I just... fuck. I am a really terrible internet friend and I am so, so sorry. Because I love you, but I am... pretty much absent except when I'm a mess and I.... I'm sorry. I really don't deserve any of you.

...idk )
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so, sorry about posting something really kind of depressing and then just being completely absent for like a week or two.
After some delays in the flights, I finally made it to Germany. I've only been here two days- my host, Frau W., is a sweetheart who cooks me too much food, and the one class that I've had at the school was nice. The city is very interesting as well. the nights, however, are looking like they'll be the hard part of being here. I know it's only been two days and I need to give myself time to adjust, but night is when the homesickness, loneliness, and depression hit me. Distracting myself from it works but only for short periods of time- it literally just feels like a cover up. when I get in bed and turn the lights off, there's only so long that I can keep my mind from turning to "I'm going to be here for eight weeks. I'm not going to see my family for eight weeks," which then turns into me wanting to cry. I can't decide if it's better for me to give into it and let it pass or if I should continue to suppress it. I don't know. I think that it's very important for me to remember that right now it's only been two days. I'm still dealing a bit with jet-lag, it looks like I just got my period, and I'm adjusting to new surroundings, speaking and sort of thinking in a different language, and it's normal that right now I'm feeling sort of sick, emotionally. More than likely, this will pass. I will quite possibly crash, with a sort of release of all of these emotions, in a few days, and the important thing is that if that happens, everything that happens after it is positive. The last time that I was abroad, as an exchange student in Wiesbaden in high school, things did not get any better after I crashed. they got significantly worse. I think I'm still unconsciously bracing myself for the same thing.

However, I am already doing so much better than I was that time, and I really do think that that's the pattern that it's going to follow. once I've adjusted more and once I've had a full night of good sleep *last night while in the process of trying to go to sleep I had some... disturbing/unpleasant waking dreams. after I got to sleep it was fine, but I kind of have some weird paranoias involving sleep already, so...* I think that some of these feelings that are bothering me at night will either lessen or go away completely, so.

I talked to my dad tonight, and to my "little brother" who lives in Stuttgart, and that has kind of helped me as far as the feelings of isolation go. I'm also going to try to start writing my experience like a book.... I feel that having a story to write will give me something to focus on- maybe writing my own story isn't the best idea, as I'm looking for something to ground me for the entirety of the time that we're here, but I've always been kind of obsessed with writing my own story- this is one of the most interesting things that I've done that I can remember clearly enough that I can actually write it.

It's almost 10 pm here, so I need to go to bed.
If you want a post card or a letter, I love writing them, so let me know your address *in a private message, since my posts are public and you don't want that information out there on the web like that*
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Sometimes deviantART really just frustrates me. It just- *sigh* I hate it when I search a word, just to see what comes up, and everything that comes up on the first page is the farthest thing from what I was expecting/hoping for.

I got lost in the black hole that is wikipedia today. mainly I was looking at things relating to human sexuality- I was not aware that wikipedia has so many nude photographs on it. like, of erections. I don't know, I'm so used to things being censored so that you can't look at nude photographs unless you're a member of a site- I just didn't realize that they even could do that. also erect penises just look weird. It's kind of in a funny way, and also kind of in a 'what the hell?' way. also I did not realize that clitorises could have erections. I'm going to shut up about this now. I like wikipedia, it's an interesting place.

I feel like a mess. I'm sorry I haven't been on LJ much the last week or so, I've just... I don't know. I have to keep reminding myself that the fact that I'm performing as well in school as I would like to or in the way that I would like to does not make me a horrible, terrible person. I am also kind of starting to panic about going to Germany. I just. It is like a blank page but I can't even see the paper- I can't see the dimensions of it at all, aside from the blurry parentheses of the beginning and the end of it in time. I don't even have shadows from which I can guess at what the experience will be like. I am actually pretty sure that this will be a very positive experience for me, but even so it is terrifying. eight weeks isn't that long but it's a long time.

Everyone is leaving- our suite is already one person less. the parking lots all have fewer cars than they usually do. everywhere are the signs of Sewanee leaving, and I don't really mind, but it's also so sad, it's also tearing me apart, it's also a reminder of lost opportunities and all the stuff that I meant to do but never got around to. I am so ready for this pattern to end, and I feel like if I don't make the changes happen this time, if I don't break the pattern this time, I feel so certain that I will shatter. I feel so sure of it, so sure.

I feel like whatever is in me has an expiration date, and if I don't get it out soon, if I don't figure out what it is soon, then it's going to die. It's going to die and rot inside of me and I will still be carrying it when I am middle aged and there won't be much point in living at all.

I think I'm at the tipping point.
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I feel a little better about life and much less burnt out by school, thanks in large part to Jordan, who is helping me do homework *by which I mean that he's helping me get started on my paper for Non-Chaucerian, and letting me work in his room, which is a big help*. At the same time, with the end of school approaching so very very fast, I am quietly freaking out because I've got to pack soon, and I actually really just want to pack right this minute but for some reason have been putting it off. Thinking about school ending also means that I am thinking about What I Am Going To Do With My Life and other such topics, and also makes me kind of sad because my friend group has shifted in such a way this year that it will be probably very different next year. I've mostly come to peace with that, but it's still disturbing. The other thing is that I'm going to miss the suite next year. Not necessarily the actual, physical suite, but rather my suitemates *well, honestly just Fran and Nicole and their friend group. I don't really care one way or another about Emily*. I'm not going to just stop hanging out with them next year, but most of them are science/math majors, which means they just kind of move in different parts of the school, so I'm probably not going to see them as much. I am also sort of freaking out about Germany.

It's all very quiet though, so I guess it's not a big deal.
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First of all, the GSA is going to a gay club in Nashville tonight, and part of me really wants to go, and I've been going back and forth on this all night, but I think that I'm really just not going to go, and there are a few reasons: one, I've never actually been to a club, so I have no idea if I will be able to handle it *clubs are kind of the perfect mixture of Things That Could Set Me Off Into A Panic Attack, so*, and two, I really just feel like I need to be here tonight. If it were only like an hour or two then maybe I would go for it regardless, but the thing is that it's an hour and a half if you're driving fast to Nashville, and they're leaving at seven, which means that they would get there at about 8:30-8:45, and then they'd stay in the club for I'm guessing about two hours, which puts you at roughly midnight, and then it's an hour and a half ish back to Sewanee, which puts it at about 1:30 am, and I think I should go to bed earlier than that.

also we are having storms up here right now. can't decide if I want to walk over to McClurg for dinner or not.
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alskdjflaskdjf lasjdfljsalj ARGHLWLAKSNVJDLK

I had a good weekend, because Mia was up here, but then- THEN! I twisted my ankle on the stairs in the police station *and I was there to turn in a wallet I'd found, geebus* and then today, today I woke up, turned my head slightly to the right, and entered A WORLD OF PAIN agh. So then I missed my first class because I had to walk slower both for the ankle and for the part where my neck is like MOVEMENT?!? THERE WILL NOW BE PAAAAAAIIIINNNNNN!!!! and then I felt nauseous and dizzy. so I made it to McClurg, got some rice krispies but couldn't manage more than two bites, and then when I tried to stand up to leave I felt like I was going to pass out. so then this chick I went to high-school with was like, are you okay? and I was like "What?" because everything was kind of fuzzy. so then she called the EMTs, which seemed kind of extreme but she pointed out that I seemed to be in extreme pain. So the EMTs came. and basically I am fine, aside from the pain in my neck. agh. I hate everything a little bit.

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mrgh, I am torn between the need to get things done tonight and the desire to go to the GSA meeting tonight. idk. I really need to get this stuff done and right now that's kind of more important to me, but on the other hand I really don't like missing GSA meetings because I don't see/interact with the majority of those people outside of the meetings. agggggghhhh my life is so full of conflict /drama.

I will probably just go to GSA.
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So, after dipping into an incredibly low mood about two weeks ago *back when it was still March and about to be April* I'm sort of back to a stable mood. I'm not quite where I was first week back from spring-break, when I had sort of kicked my internet addiction and started reading like a maniac again, which resulted in more happiness/feelings of competence/etc than I'd felt in years, but I am back on track to that now. I think it has to do with the weather, a little bit. also to do with the fact that I really just want to be better now.

Also, springtime turns me on. That might be an awkward confession to make, but it is so true, good lord.

Other stuff, my throat hates me. I think it's primarily drainage, which is sucky because there's really not that much I can do about it. Also, my eyes have suddenly decided to be hateful as well. This might be because I've been spending too much time on the computer, but I don't know. It's the muscles, they're just... sore. also inconsistent. bleh. Those are my physical ailments.

Other other stuff, we sign up for classes for next year this week, which is mildly stressful, but not really. I think other people stress out about this a lot, but.. I only really find it stressful because other people find it stressful so maybe I should too? bleh. I've not had any difficulty getting into classes before. Honestly, I find room-draw *which is on Thursday* to be much more stressful/anxiety inducing, because I'm going through with the intention of getting a single, but Juniors, even if they're going through sub-free, aren't guaranteed singles, and as such I have to go through with a potential room-mate. I'm going through with one of my current suite-mates, and we get along fine in the set up that we have currently, but we would not work well together as room-mates. so. Whatever. The rooming situation hasn't really ever turned out badly for me.
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I've fucked up. I hate myself at the moment. God-FUCKING-damnit, could life be less of a merry-go-round? or at least live up to its name, geezus... /bitter
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*super super super happy* I made a dress today!!!!!!!!!!!

needs more exclamation marks
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I don't know, I just feel like posting, so, :P

A few nights ago I had really bad mood swing-ish thing going on. Was incredibly enraged at pretty much everything, and then as I came down from that I was just... painfully depressed. To the point where it was like I really just couldn't see the point in staying alive long enough for it to get better, even though I knew, logically, that it was just a short swing and would be over within a day or so. I wasn't in any danger of suicide because, well, I was at home and... I wouldn't kill myself at home- but also because I didn't see the point of killing myself. I don't want to say that I've not been seriously suicidal in years, because that implies that I've been, I don't even know, frivolously suicidal, but I haven't actually really seriously thought about killing myself since the eighth grade, at which point I was really, really serious about the desire to kill myself. So it's not that when I feel suicidal now it's just kind of like, tra-la-la, want to die, it's just that I decided a long time ago never to kill myself because you can't take that back. and it hurts everyone around you, and that was never what I wanted. does that make sense?

I don't even know. I'm not in one of those... suicidal moods, for lack of a better way of putting it, right now, but here I am talking about it and that's random.

I'm going to stop that now. In other news I'm actually really pretty happy right now.
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I figure that I should post something new since my previous entry was all about how depressed I was at the time. Also guess what, this is my 301st entry! yay!

Also my laptop has been fixed. Also I am at home, because spring break, which is yay.

Now I need to go do something about dinner.
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ummm. So.

I don't know what I was going to write. I feel really down. low energy and all that and also empty and fucked up as usual. I would really like it if Spring break would begin right now. right at this moment. I don't want to be anywhere right now, I just want to curl up in deep water and sleep. I want to shut the door and lock all of that mess out. I don't want to deal with it. I want to sleep, because at least then I'm not wallowing. Fuck everything. I feel gross.
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by the by, I'm not depressed like I was last post. It makes all of us *meaning my friends* giggle when any of us says it, because of the it gets better video that we were in/watched on Thursday, but things have gotten better. I should do some homework today, but I really just feel like painting/crocheting/sewing paper because I'm a weirdo, so fuck all that. I have all day tomorrow to get stuff done, yeah? yeah. we're going to go with that. (*significant stare*) Oh you just shut up Yasha. I do not appreciate your being uncertain of my ability to exercise self control. (*raises eyebrow*) I'm not continuing this conversation with you so hush.

everyone who reads this gets a ♥
azurai11: (Default)
I feel... better than I did last night. but also... depressed. I want to draw away from everything. I want to escape. I don't know what I want.
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