azurai11: (Default)
[personal profile] azurai11
Sometimes deviantART really just frustrates me. It just- *sigh* I hate it when I search a word, just to see what comes up, and everything that comes up on the first page is the farthest thing from what I was expecting/hoping for.

I got lost in the black hole that is wikipedia today. mainly I was looking at things relating to human sexuality- I was not aware that wikipedia has so many nude photographs on it. like, of erections. I don't know, I'm so used to things being censored so that you can't look at nude photographs unless you're a member of a site- I just didn't realize that they even could do that. also erect penises just look weird. It's kind of in a funny way, and also kind of in a 'what the hell?' way. also I did not realize that clitorises could have erections. I'm going to shut up about this now. I like wikipedia, it's an interesting place.

I feel like a mess. I'm sorry I haven't been on LJ much the last week or so, I've just... I don't know. I have to keep reminding myself that the fact that I'm performing as well in school as I would like to or in the way that I would like to does not make me a horrible, terrible person. I am also kind of starting to panic about going to Germany. I just. It is like a blank page but I can't even see the paper- I can't see the dimensions of it at all, aside from the blurry parentheses of the beginning and the end of it in time. I don't even have shadows from which I can guess at what the experience will be like. I am actually pretty sure that this will be a very positive experience for me, but even so it is terrifying. eight weeks isn't that long but it's a long time.

Everyone is leaving- our suite is already one person less. the parking lots all have fewer cars than they usually do. everywhere are the signs of Sewanee leaving, and I don't really mind, but it's also so sad, it's also tearing me apart, it's also a reminder of lost opportunities and all the stuff that I meant to do but never got around to. I am so ready for this pattern to end, and I feel like if I don't make the changes happen this time, if I don't break the pattern this time, I feel so certain that I will shatter. I feel so sure of it, so sure.

I feel like whatever is in me has an expiration date, and if I don't get it out soon, if I don't figure out what it is soon, then it's going to die. It's going to die and rot inside of me and I will still be carrying it when I am middle aged and there won't be much point in living at all.

I think I'm at the tipping point.
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


azurai11: (Default)

September 2013

1516171819 2021

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 03:51 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios